#AskAlex: Can My Man And I Experience Soul Sex?

Dear Alex,

Hope you are doing great? I'm a big fan of your articles and I really love how you use words to communicate what you are thinking and feeling. I read one of your recent posts "I want soul sex" and I wanted to know what soul sex really is and if it's something I can actually experience with my boyfriend. Can you tell me how? Because I'm honestly not enjoying sex with him even though I love him a lot. He's quite rough. Waiting to hear from you. Thanks. Sheila.

Hey Sheila,

Thanks a lot for following my blog posts. I get all your personal messages of encouragement. Believe me, I value them a lot. As regards the post "I Want Soul Sex". It really was a mythical spin on the frustration I was feeling from loneliness as a single mom and my crave for a connection, a deeper sort of interaction better than the surface experience I get from just chatting at home with my 4 year old son. I wasn't actually referring to sex LITERALLY but the immense deep connection similar to the type, one gets from taking part in soul sex. Though I would give anything for some banging soul sex right about now....Hahahah....(So I'm in with you on that one). Now to the CRUX of your question.


As you know Sex itself is an incredibly powerful physical energy that releases tension with the aim to satisfy the body. (And I've only recently learned to embrace my sensuality as well as my sexuality as a woman, and I'm still learning).

Soul SEX is engaging in a deeper connection that transcends beyond physical bodies just doing the samba or etighi, but is really the exchange of being present in the energy, between you and your partner through your mind, body, heart and soul as you both communicate and express the feeling of love. What some may even like to call LOVEMAKING even though most people just think lovemaking is mostly about spinning their foreplay techniques like the baddest Dj in town....or that you even have to be crazy in love to make love....Hehehe....To make love....Simply means to show love and appreciation to someone's body. And we all know LOVE is kind, patient, giving and gentle. Aha! So translate those virtues to sex. There is absolutely nothing kind about a man squeezing a woman's breasts like he's about to squeeze lemon juice, neither is there anything kind about a woman using her teeth to graze a man's dick. Same way there is no sign of patience, if he can't wait to get to JERUSALEM or 5th Heaven, Forget Cloud 9 abegi. Hahahah. So you see soul sex is really the freedom of letting go, of power and control while magically surrendering yourself, not just to your partner but to everything that is alive within him.


Yes, I believe so. Especially if you both are in tune with one another spiritually and mentally. And it's a shame many of us go through a life time never experiencing that earth shattering sexual connection that's beyond aiming for just orgasm (which is most people's goal by the way), but actually for pure divine PLEASURE. Because the focus is to SLOWLY build the right kind of sexual tension that causes your partner to be vulnerable and naked before you. Yet as women, we get a few momentary glimpse of this, because most men are just in a hurry to get to the juicy meat in between (Forget the 5/10 minutes of foreplay he gives you dammit. He's being a fraud bribing you with peanuts). Lol. Real lovemaking should take at least an hour and half of foreplay until both of you equally lose your defence and become completely vulnerable before each other....and needy of course. (Just imagine you begging him and wanting....okay, scratch that thought....Picture him, ready and vulnerable and eager. That dude can promise you the world right there and fulfil of course. How about those Louis Vuitton Shoes You Wanted or The Lé Braided Dress? Hahahah. (you get my drift, right?)

Sex then becomes no more than a path to enlightenment, but the very MANISFESTATION of Enlightenment in itself because lovemaking becomes the EXPRESSION of the true Light of who you both are, manifesting itself as an offering, a gift through your bodies.


Okay, I don't swear to have the blue print of the KAMASUTRA engraved in my mind. Hahahah. But here are a few tips to get you started and believe me, none of it has to do with sex positions. *tongue out.

#1)  Set The Mood

Music can set the mood for anything, including sex. And no, it's not cheesy. Remember my post "GREAT SEX WITH BAD ROMANCE?". Exactly! You can pick great songs From Barry White to Marvin Gaye even Banky W, there is a wide variety of ballads to choose from. (I personally love "Tyrese- Signs of Love Making" or anything from Maxwell, Joe or Donell Jones) I'm a sucker for them. Make sure you have lots of music lined up on your playlist on repeat. You can check out "MY TOP 25 BABY MAKING MUSIC" for motivation:

Remember, before you go any further, make sure you have all your mobile phones, and television turned off (okay maybe not the phones....cos as a responsible mother I like to leave my phones on in case of any emergency but I put them on silent, so I can see missed calls and messages). Knowing that any interruption or vibration can jolt you back to reality. Trust me, You don't want to be interrupted cos it's going down baby....like...err.....Literally! Lol.

#2)  Blending Your Energies

Before the first touch, sit in front of each other, facing each other. Take a few moments to sit in complete silence and breathe in your partners presence. Without touching, close your eyes and enjoy your combined energy. This time will help you both get centered and calm from your day. Let each exhale release all the negativity you have accumulated from sitting in bad traffic, fighting with your colleague or arguing with your mom or his mom if she's the evil kenevil one. Lol.

#3) Deep Eye Gazing

It begins with a look. A deep meaningful look where you gaze into your partners soul. Okay you know what I mean, just stare into his ugly hazel contact lenses. (I'm kidding). Just look at your partner and take in the uniqueness of their facial features....And remember the EYES are the windows to the soul. Look there. Forget about what you have to pick up at the grocery store, or who's owing you. Hahahah. Just gaze into your partners eyes with a soft focus. (Now I know myself, I personally hate to lock eyes cos it reveals a lot about what I'm feeling, so I'll burst into laughter) But it's okay. You may laugh, or you may even cry - just be open to either. You have to be able to allow your partner to SEE inside you. The purpose is to be naked, vulnerable and transparent before him. Do not try to hide or put up barriers, you will miss the really deep INTIMACY you are trying to create. Remember it's all about a SOUL connection. There's nothing pretentious, fake or dramatic about it. Its about tapping into your real feelings.

#4)  Kiss Like Its Communication

Now this is my secret favourite. (Secret because it's not something I personally like to experiment with just any man). Because I find Kissing itself to be an art you share with only those who can interprete the medium of communication and connect with it. You can read my earlier posts "KISS LIKE A MONSTER" and "THE ART OF KISSING". Some people can have an orgasm just from kissing, If they feel deeply connected to their partners. In soul sex, it's important to kiss more often.

Think of starting with velvet, soft, gentle and delicate kisses. It could be in an unusual spot, like a gentle press to his shoulders, arm, neck or his belly. (I personally love when I get something as basic as sweet soft pucker to my nose, eyes or cheeks, it's long and lingering so I know it's not just a friendly kiss. Lol. It could even be on my wrist or my back. So it's SENSUAL and not overtly sexual. Again it creates room for more exploration....and then you can finally lock lips and foreplay. And I need not imagine the rest ....Hahahah.

Whatever happens, the focus should remain on being PRESENT in the moment and building an INTIMATE connection that keeps you both focused on feeling and expressing your desires, even if it takes the entire day.

I hope my post helps you BUILD an incredible soul sexual experience with your man. Feel free to UPDATE me on how things go moving forward (Believe me, I know how to keep a secret girl) #wink. Lol. Cheers.

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Have A Sweet Saturday Lovelies! Kisses!

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